


Flicker

by Salt_To_The_Sea



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Azula (Avatar) Redemption, F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:15:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27981390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Salt_To_The_Sea/pseuds/Salt_To_The_Sea
Summary: The Agni Kai had been called a draw. Once Azula is declared sane by the asylum doctors, she will have to fight again for her throne. It will be a journey, and this is her tale.
Relationships: Aang/Katara (Avatar), Azula/Ty Lee (Avatar), Mai/Zuko (Avatar), Sokka/Suki (Avatar)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 60





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first fic, so I hope you like it. Thanks!

8 hours. Azula had been tied to the grate for 8 hours. She didn’t know how she knew, but she did. 

She didn’t understand.  _ She _ had won the Agni Kai. Yes, she had aimed at the water peasant, but because Zuzu had intercepted it, she hadn’t forfeited. But when the water peasant attacked her, as someone on Zuko’s side, he had forfeited. She had  _ won.  _ So where were the servants, why hadn’t they unchained her? She made a mental note to banish the servants for their tardiness. She was  _ never  _ tardy. She was  _ perfect.  _ Perfect. Perfect. She had to be. Perfect. The word bounced around in her brain, and she felt another wave of panic come forth, try as she might to push it down. She was  **Azula** . Crown princess of the Fire Nation. Fire bending prodigy. She was perfect. Perfect.  **Perfect.**

“You are not perfect.” A voice rumbled in front of her. Azula saw Ozai standing over her. “You are a failure. I made you strong. But you are still weak.” The words stung like poison. “Please, father.” Azula begged. “I can still beat them. I can still be perfect.” Ozai glared at her, and snapped, “how dare you interrupt me! They have already beaten you. Look at yourself. You are pathetic and useless. You,” Ozai continued “are no daughter of mine”. As he turned and faded away, Azula sobbed and screamed, and as her cries turned from pleas of forgiveness from her father to shrieks of pain and terror, exhaustion overtook her, and she fell to the ground in a crumpled heap.

When she awoke, she was in a strange room, with a muzzle around her face. Her thoughts were fuzzy, and it took her a minute to come to understand what was going on.  _ Muzzle.  _ She thought.  _ There is a muzzle on my face. And a straightjacket too.  _ She couldn’t quite understand why, but assumed it was one of Ozais training exercises. Taking in her surroundings, Azula figured out what she was supposed to do.  _ I need to get back to the palace. Father will be waiting in the courtyard.  _ Wait. Courtyard. Something big happened in the courtyard. Why couldn’t she remember?  _ Focus, Azula, focus!  _ She chided herself.  _ What happened in the courtyard?  _ Suddenly, it hit her. The Agni Kai. The chains. The water peasant. Winning? Losing? Her father. 

Screams filled Azula's ears. Were they her screams? No, they couldn’t be. Her mouth wasn’t open. Was it? She couldn’t tell. She reached her hand to her mouth to feel, but the straightjacket kept her arms in place. The screams got louder. Why wasn’t anyone coming? The screams got louder still, and Azula felt as if her head might explode. They got louder and louder. Black spots danced across the room, and the last thing Azula remembered was a needle coming closer and closer.

Awaking again, Azula immediately snapped to her senses. She was in a small padded room, with no windows. The muzzle remained on her face, but the straightjacket was gone. Thank Agni for that. In its place were chains binding her wrists to prevent her from bending, and ankle shackles, to both prevent her from bending, and, Azula observed, to keep her from moving any faster than a slow shuffle. Testing her voice, she found it was stuck at a hoarse whisper. So it had been her screaming. She heard footsteps approaching her cell. She quickly pretended to be asleep, knowing that you could learn a lot from other people if they thought you weren’t listening.

The footsteps stopped directly outside her cell. “How is she?” A concerned voice asked. Azula immediately recognized it as Zuko’s voice. Here to gloat, she supposed, although once she was able to present herself to the fire sages, she had no doubt she would be made firelord again. Shaking her head to clear her thoughts, she continued listening to the conversation. “Bad,” another voice said. This one Azula couldn’t place, although the speaker definitely sounded Fire Nation. “Very bad. She had another manic episode yesterday, so we injected her with some shirshu poison to knock her out. She’s probably still asleep.” “What?!” Zuko snapped. “Shirshu poison? Are you insane? Forget it, I don’t have time for this. Open the door. I need to talk to Azula”. The unknown person began to interject, but seemed to think better of it. “Of course, Firelord Zuko.”  _ Firelord. _ Azula thought.  _ So little Zuzu got a new title. No matter. I’ll get it back soon.  _

As the door creaked open, Azula sat up. “Ah, Zuzu” she said, her voice raspy, yet still full of contempt. “For what do I owe the pleasure? It’s so wonderful to see the new Firelord.” Zuko stiffened, but didn’t say anything. The siblings started each other down, testing each other. Finally, Zuko opened his mouth to speak. “The Fire Sages have deemed our Agni Kai a draw. You were also declared insane. If the doctors declare you sane, we will fight again, for the throne. Until then, I am, by all means, Firelord.” He spoke in a clipped tone, clearly eager to get out of there. “Aww, thanks for the information Zuzu”, Azula said, her tone both honeyed and sarcastic, or about as much so as she could manage. Zuko then exited the room without another word. 

_ Insane, hmm?  _ Azula thought, watching her brother exit.  _ Well, at least now I know what my next moves are.  _ And she started cackling like a madwoman.  _ If you’re so set on having me be the villain, Zuzu, well then the villain I’ll be.  _ Manic laughter filled the room, going down the hall, sending shivers down Zuko's spine.


	2. Chapter Two

When Azula woke again, there were guards in her cell. _Imperial Firebenders._ Azula thought, recognizing the armor immediately. _I wonder why they’re here._ The gave a respectful bow- she was the crown princess, after all, and the one on the left spoke up. “Greetings, Princess. We are your escorts to Yamada Asylum.” _The madhouse._ Azula almost scoffed. _Of course Zuzu would send me there._ “Very well”, Azula rasped, knowing there was no way out of this. As she had once said, a princess surrenders with honor. “Lead the way.” Each took an arm, and they frog marched her to the train.

After depositing her in her cell-no her ‘room’, the guards stationed themselves outside her door. Azula took in her surroundings. She was still handcuffed, although the ankle shackles had been widened enough for a somewhat normal walking speed. The room, like her old one, was padded, and the sheen told her it was fire-proof. Not like she could do much bending with the cuffs. There was a small cot in the corner, and a small desk across from it. Sitting on the desk was a hairbrush, a bit of ribbon to tie her hair with, and a doll. 

_Wait._ Azula thought. _A doll?_ Hold on. She knew that doll. She recognized it from her childhood. Someone had refurbished it, cleaned it up, repaired it, and painted it’s delicate features back on. Azula narrowed her eyes. What kind of game were they playing? She grabbed the doll, and the memory flooded back to her. 

_Azula ran to her room, holding the charred doll. She didn’t want to burn it! But Father said she was too old for toys, and if she didn’t follow the rules, Azula knew there would be consequences. She would never admit it, but she really did like the doll better than Zuzu’s knife. Realizing the doll was still partially on fire, she extinguished the rest of the flames. Hearing footsteps approaching, she quickly threw the doll under her pillow, praying to Agni that it was just a servant, and not her mother. Mother didn’t understand what Father was doing. It’s not like she cared anyways. The door creaked open to reveal Ozai. “I hear you burned the doll.” Ozai said. “For Agni’s sake, what was my brother thinking, sending you a doll? You are much too old for foolish nonsense. Where is the rest of it?” “It’s ash, Father”, Azula replied smoothly. Ozai studied her for a moment. “Very well. You are to demonstrate your firebending to Firelord Azulon tonight. Do not be late.” “Of course, Father.” Azula bowed respectfully. As the door closed behind him, Auzla let out a breath she didn’t realize she had been holding._

When she had come back to her room later, the doll was gone. She assumed one of the servants had disposed of it. But here it was in her hands. She couldn’t burn it, but she could drop it and stomp on it. But as she held out the doll, something stopped her. Maybe it was because the doll was wearing the softest thing Azula had ever touched. Maybe it was because it smelled like home. Maybe it was because this was one of the only things someone had done for her, not out of fear, but out of kindness. She could count all said things on one hand. Azula scoffed. She was becoming weak. Still, she propped the doll up on her cot, and let it be.

She looked up as the door opened, revealing the two imperial firebenders from earlier, as well as an elderly lady. Before Azula could process exactly what was going on, the lady remarked “Why on earth is she wearing cuffs? The whole room is fireproof, nothing can catch on fire. Well, the doll can, but everything else can’t. Please remove them, and the muzzle immediately.” One of the firebenders started saying something about how she was dangerous, but the woman cut him off. “Maybe you didn’t hear me. I said take them off.” To Azula’s surprise, they listened, and removed both pairs of shackles. _What is she doing?_ Azula thought. _She looks like a breeze could knock her over, much less a master firebender!_ The woman interrupted her train of thought with a quick bow. “Hello there, princess!” She sounded ridiculously positive. “I’m Takana, your therapist. I’ll be working with you to help you work through some of your trauma. We don’t officially start for a few days, but I like to get to know my patients beforehand.” Azula wasn’t listening though. “Some?” Azula snapped. “Only some? I can’t win back my throne if I’m not completely fixed!” Her voice was rising now. “Well princess, you’ve been through a lot and some trauma-” Azula cut her off “If you can’t fix me, then why are you wasting my time?!” Her voice was full of mania now. “Get out!” She shrieked. “Get out get out get **out!** ”. She began hurling fireballs at Takana. The woman quickly exited the room, the fireballs harmlessly hitting the door.

The imperial firebenders, seeing Takana leave the room, began to enter to put Azula’s shackles back on, but Takana waved her hand at them. “Leave them off. It won’t do any good to make her feel like a prisoner.” They looked at each other questioningly, and glanced at the door to Azula’s cell, where fireballs were still audibly hitting, but didn’t question her authority. “And contact the palace to see if there are any other old things of hers. That doll seemed to trigger a memory, and considering she didn’t destroy it, it couldn’t have been a bad one.” The guards nodded, and watched as Takana hobbled off.

  
Inside Azula’s cell, fire was everywhere. They diffused as soon as they hit the walls, cot, desk, and for some reason ribbon and hairbrush, but the doll was still entirely flammable. And on fire it was. Seeing what she had done to the poor doll, now not once, but twice, sobs began to wrack her body. She extinguished the flame, and fell to her knees, clutching it’s charred form. “I told you Azula, don’t you see? You are sad and pathetic and _weak.”_ Azula didn't need to turn around to see Ozai standing over her, his words laced with venom. “Crying over toys? You really are just as weak as your brother. Perhaps I should give you a scar to match.” And with that, he brought a flaming hand to her face, but instead of just burning half her face, the flames engulfed her entire face. She screamed in pain, and fell backwards onto her desk, her head bouncing off the corner. She felt the doll fall from her arms as someone dragged her away. She screamed for it, and for a second she swore she could see her mother. _I love you Azula, I do._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey again! I wanted to get another chapter in since finals week is looming ahead and I don't know when I'll be able to post again. Also, I just wanted to clarify a few things. So, romance, just incase you can't already tell, is not going to be a huge thing throughout this story, they're just kinda litte background things, except for maybe Maiko, and some future Tyzula. Also, regarding Ursa and her family, Zuko was able to find them with the help of Jun and her Shirshu, but I didn't think that it be very interesting since its basically 'Giant mole locates long lost family'. Anyway, they shouldn't be appearing for quite a few chapters anyway. So that's about it, let me know if you have any criticisms or anything :)


	3. Chapter 3

The doctors at the asylum had determined that her head injury had not caused any lasting damage, and after a short yet agonizingly long couple of days, Azula was moved back to her room. To her surprise, her manacles remained off. She hadn’t the faintest idea why, but was grateful regardless. Azula had heard rumors, whispers among the nursing staff that the Avatar had taken her fathers bending. Needless to say, she was fully prepared to defend herself should the Avatar try to pull the same party trick on her. 

Suddenly, the door opened, revealing Takana.  _ For Agni’s sake, does this lady have no self-preservation?  _ Azula thought to herself.  _ It’s like she wants to die. Why is she here? _ Wanting the answer to this question was the only thing keeping Azula from frying Takana where she stood. “Good Afternoon, Azula!” Takana said brightly. “How are you doing today?” Azula didn’t say anything, but narrowed her eyes in response. “Not up for talking today? That’s alright. I just came to return this”- she held out the doll, which was a bit singed but otherwise okay. “I also wanted to get to know you a bit”, Takana continued. “If you don’t want to talk, that’s okay, you can just shake your head yes or no, alright?” Azula gave a barely perceptible nod. She wasn’t sure why Takana was still here, instead of being a pile of ash on the ground, but let her continue. “Do you know why you’re here?” Takana questioned.  _ Because Zuzu thinks I’m crazy.  _ Still, Azula shook her head, because shouldn’t she be Firelord? “Well,” Takana explained “you’ve shown symptoms of psychosis, paranoia and schizophrenia, as well as some sociopathic tendencies. Do you understand what that means?” At that, Azula nodded. She had read all about diseases of the mind in the Royal Library. 

“Okay then, next question!” Takana started, her happy demeanor unchanged. “Does that gal have a name?” She motioned to the doll, which Azula was unconsciously clutching against her chest. Azula again narrowed her eyes.  _ What does that have to do with anything?  _ Still, she didn’t see anything to gain by lying, and if this woman could restore at least some of her sanity, bringing her closer to her throne, she might as well comply. Azula shook her head. “Well, don’t you think she deserves a name?” Takana asked? “It might be nice,” Azula just nodded. “Okay, last question, is there anything else from the palace I can bring you? Maybe a friend for your doll there?” Azula nodded “Okay! What can I bring you? If you don’t feel like talking, I can get one of the lovely guards to get some paper and ink.” Azula simply lifted her hand to stop her, and whispered softly “Beneath the fourth floorboard underneath my bed on the lower right hand corner there is a medium sized box. Bring it to me.” Takana quickly agreed. “If you have no other questions or requests, that’s the end of today's session!” “Why did you request for my cuffs to be removed, and for them to remain off?” Azula asked softly. “Well, princess,” Takana said “You aren’t a prisoner. I would hate to make you feel as such” At that, Azula simply nodded. Takana gave her a final smile before exiting the room, leaving Azula with her thoughts.

To Azula’s surprise, her mind immediately went to her doll. She supposed it did need a name.  _ Ichiro?  _ No, that sounded like a boy's name.  _ Yui?  _ No, that sounded too much like the water peasant who turned into a star or the moon or something _. Ty Lee?  _ Azula hated herself for even thinking that, and hated herself even more when she felt a slight blush on her ears.  _ When did I lose so much control over my emotions?  _ She internally screamed. “Weak.” Ozai’s voice snapped her out of her thoughts. “No matter. The universe will deal with you soon.” He smirked, and as quickly as he appeared, he disappeared. Azula didn’t scream, or start throwing fire. She just crumpled, and the guards outside swore they could hear sobbing.

Obviously, this could only mean one thing. The Avatar was coming for her bending. She couldn’t let him take it. Firebending wasn’t just a part of her, it  _ was  _ her. Her entire identity revolved around her signature blue flame, her prodigious skill, the dedicated hours, youngest ever to produce lightning. She couldn’t, no she  _ wouldn’t  _ let the Avatar take her bending. She would sooner kill herself than allow that to happen. So she sat up, and wiped her tears. Moving through the familiar stances helped calm her down, just a bit. Steadying her breath- firebending came from the breath, after all- she shifted from the easier, warm up stances, to the difficult combinations that proved to be little challenge. Her mind shifted into training mode, automatically clearing all but one of her thoughts. After all, you could only generate lightning with a clear goal in mind. Suddenly, Azula stopped. She might have been driven to madness, but she was still quite the strategist. She couldn’t use regular firebending moves against the Avatar, since dear Zuzu would have surely taught him how to counteract them. And as for redirecting lightning, she wasn’t sure if the Avatar knew how to, but to air on the side of caution, Azula assumed he knew how to. She frowned, thinking. How could she fight someone who knew how to counteract her every move? _ I need to be unpredictable.  _ She recalled, once, how a tutor she had, long ago, had told her how the best fighters took moves from all elements, not just her own. Eager to please, she had listened intently to his lecture, how earthbender’s endurance and persistence was not entirely unlike firebenders’ drive and strong will, how the airbender’s inner peace allowed for spiritual freedom, and how waterbenders' ability to adapt made them strong opponents.  _ I guess he wasn’t wrong,  _ Azula thought grimly. When she had recalled the lesson to her father, however, he told her that the other nations were weak, and that she needed to focus only on her firebending forms. The next morning, her tutor had disappeared. When she had asked Father about it, he told her to never mention it again, or he would make her disappear too. 

After father had told her that, she ran to Mother, tears streaming down her face. She was where she always was, sitting next to the turtleduck pond with Zuzu. “He said he would make me disappear” Azula had wailed. “I don’t wanna disappear.” And then Zuko had started to cry, the way he always did, crying when others cried.  _ Weak.  _ Ursa wrapped her arm around him, and chided Azula “Don’t joke about that young lady! I know you like to lie but look at how you’re upsetting your brother. Ozai would never do such a thing to you!” 

  
Azula snapped back into reality, kneeling on the floor, finding that her tears had returned.  _ Weak,  _ her mind shouted at her.  _ Weak. Pathetic. Monster. MONSTER.  _ She couldn’t find the energy to pick herself up off the floor, to resume her training. So she just lay there, clutching her doll, tears rolling down her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to update! Finals week is over though, so thank god for that. Jeez this chapter is kinda sad. Next one might just be a bit of Maiko fluff to balance it out? Anyways, hope you enjoyed!


	4. Chapter 4

Zuko paced back and forth in front of the turtleduck pond. Mai watched him disinterestedly from a bench in the shade. She had brought him outside to help him calm down, but clearly it wasn’t working. “I can’t do this Mai,” Zuko said for the hundredth time. “I could barely beat Azula while she was going insane, how am I supposed to beat her once she’s sane again?” Mai sighed. They’d already had this conversation a million times. “For the last time Zuko, from what the water girl told me, you were beating Azula, she just caught you off-guard when she shot lightning at her. Besides, the chances of her getting her sanity back or whatever are really slim.” “But-” Mai held her hand up to silence him. “It’s not like she can practice firebending in the madhouse anyways, right?” Zuko groaned. “I don’t know. Her therapist, I think her name is Takana, won’t tell me anything. Something about patient privacy. And it’s a mental hospital, not a madhouse.” “Sure,” Mai replied sarcastically. “Anyways, don’t you outrank her by like, a lot? Can’t you just order her to tell you?” “I guess, but I feel like I should at least try to respect her methods.” Zuko sighed again. “Agni, why can’t I just have a normal family?” 

-

Mai watched worriedly through a window as Zuko was training in the courtyard. He had been pushing himself harder and harder lately, and it was getting to the point where it was concerning. He was acting like Azula was going to be out of the madhouse- sorry  _ mental hospital _ \- tomorrow. And that paired with the stress of all his Firelord duties, well, it was obvious he wasn’t taking good care of himself. She didn’t understand, Azula was so obviously completely broken, why couldn’t Zuko understand that a person can’t rebound from that? Azula was probably going to be stuck in the asylum for the rest of her life, if she didn’t try to break out and die in the process or something. 

An audible thump from outside broke her away from her thoughts. She looked outside to see Zuko laying on the ground, unmoving. Mai’s breath hitched. She’d heard of the New Ozai Society, but dismissed them as nothing more than rumors, and even if they did exist, she certainly thought they wouldn’t be bold enough to assassinate the Firelord in broad daylight. She ran outside, feeling for his pulse, sighing in relief as she found it. Mai quickly called over some servants and had them bring Zuko’s unconscious body to the infirmary. 

-

Zuko came too soon after, snapping out of bed looking slightly disoriented, but otherwise okay. He looked around slowly, trying to figure out where he was. He recognized the room as the infirmary, and let out a breath once he realized he hadn’t been kidnapped or anything. Then, he noticed a very angry looking Mai sitting in the corner of the room. Before he could say anything, she started yelling, “Zuko, what were you thinking? You need to take care of yourself! Your country needs you to take care of yourself!” She took a deep breath to regain her composure, then said, less harshly “I need you to take care of yourself.” Zuko laid back down on the bed before speaking. “I’m sorry, Mai. I don’t mean to make you worry. I’m just-” Zuko took a deep breath, “I don’t know what to do. No one trusts the Fire Nation enough to accept our help, all the ministers are getting on my case, and Azula is, well she’s Azula” Zuko finished, with a weak attempt at humor. Mai just sighed. “Just take better care of yourself, okay? Anyways, someone else is here to visit you.” Zuko nodded weakly at her retreating form, his outburst had drained from him much of his already limited strength. 

As the door opened to reveal someone, Zuko expected to see a minister, here to admonish him from missing today’s meeting, or a servant to see if he needed anything. Instead, the door opened to show General Iroh, Great Dragon of the West, and also, y’know Zuko’s uncle. Zuko’s face lit up at the sight of him. “Uncle!” Zuko exclaimed. “It’s great to see you.” “And you, nephew”, Iroh replied with a gentle smile. “But, Uncle, aren’t you supposed to be at your tea shop?” Zuko asked, as Iroh had left right after the coronation to return to the Jasmine Dragon in Ba Sing Se. “Mai was kind enough to write to me about some of the… troubles you have been experiencing lately. I know you are worried about Azula.” Iroh rumbled. “Well, yes, but also I’m scared that- that I won’t be enough of a firebender to take her down again.” Zuko replied halfheartedly. It was at times like these that Iroh was reminded of just how young Zuko was. “Perhaps you’d like me to stay here with you in the palace for some time, as to continue your firebending training?” “Really, Uncle?” Zuko replied, eyes wide. “I’d love that! But,” he hesitated “what about your tea shop?” Iroh just chuckled and said “Well, I certainly think my nephew takes importance over my tea shop. Regardless, it would be my honor to teach the Firelord”, finishing with a wink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HONOR!!  
> Sorry about not posting for a bit, the holidays have me quite busy lol. Hope you all are well!


	5. Chapter Five

Azula had barely moved from her cot in days. She only got up to eat, drink, or use the restroom. She hadn’t bathed in nearly a week, her hair was grimey and oily, and she knew she smelled. She knew she needed to get up, do strength training, practice her forms, her lightning,  _ anything,  _ but there was just no energy. Takana had come in every day, bringing kind and supportive words that fell on deaf ears. The box Azula had requested sat on the desk, unopened. Azula already knew what was inside, obviously, but hadn’t gotten around to opening it. The hallucinations hadn’t stopped, and neither had the nightmares. The first few times, Azula shot fire, once even lightning at the hallucinations, consisting mainly of Ozai, Ursa and Zuko, but they didn’t leave, so she just gave up. Azula couldn’t hear Takana’s words because her head was already full of Zuko’s gloats, Ozai’s insults laced with poison spikes, and Ursa’s soft-spoken yet so obviously false declarations of love. The nightmares though, were even worse. The hallucinations may have brought silent screams and sobs, and the smell of her own sizzling face, but the nightmares brought false hope, that maybe she could have family and friends again. But there was nothing left for her. Nothing but a throne that someone else was sitting on. Nothing but a throne she would probably never get, not if she kept like this, her both her mind and muscles deteriorating. But she didn’t have the energy; and she hated herself for it.

Laying there, however, did give her time to reflect. Obviously, she had done something very wrong. She compared Fathers list of demands to her list of completion in the weeks leading up to the comet. Six hours of firebending training? Done. Another two hours of lightning? Also done. She had attended all the war meetings, spent several more hours in the library, studying a broad range of subjects, gone from her usual six hours of sleep to five, her usual two hours of free time down to just half an hour in order to study more firebending, read more books and do more planning. She had stuck meticulously to her diet. But even so, Father had cast her aside as if she were worthless. So obviously, she needed to fix something. She had lied about the Avatar, and Zuko had revealed the truth. She remembered the punishment, laying on her fathers bed, clothes on the ground, tied to the bedposts, gagged, as Ozai groaned. She willed herself to go unconscious, tried to get away, as she had tried so many times before. It was the worst type of punishment, and she hated it. Azula thought that would be the end, but it wasn’t. In the palace dungeons, there were several coolers identical to those at the Boiling Rock. Ozai put her in one for nearly two sunrises. 

_ Azula was led by several guards towards the dungeons, her hands and feet shackled, although there wasn’t much she could do, with pain lancing up and down her body from Ozai’s recent… excursion. Sure. Still, she kept her head high. A princess endures. A princess never shows weakness. A princess suffers silently. Or there will be consequences. They arrived at the first cooler, and the guard to her right shoved her roughly inside. Normally she would have them fired for treating her as such, but they were acting on Ozai’s orders and there was nothing she could do. The door slammed shut, leaving Azula in darkness. The cooler was horrible. It inhibited her bending, the cold seeping into her bones, slowly pushing her inner fire deeper. She wracked her brain for something, anything. She recalled something her uncle had said many years ago, when she couldn’t have been older than five, or six. A breath of fire, it was called. Breath in deeply, then exhale a small amount of fire to warm yourself up. It wasn’t much, and knowing it came from Uncle Fatso it probably wouldn’t work, but there wasn’t anything else she could do either. Azula took a deep breath in, then slowly exhaled, and smirked as she was rewarded with a momentary bit of fire, light, and most importantly, warmth. Her smile faded just as quickly as it had appeared though, as she realized that the flame had been mostly white, with orange tips, rather than blue throughout. Still, it was better than nothing. She continued breathing like so, her breath of fire becoming completely blue as she kept it up, until she was finally released. When she saw Ozai again, he acted as if nothing had happened. Such was the nature of his love, Azula supposed. Do it right, you don’t get punished. Do it wrong, you get punished, don’t dwell on it, just do it right this time.  _

That was love, right? He was only pushing her to be better, certainly. All of this, her father jailed, her brother on the throne, herself in the madhouse, it was all Azula’s fault. The punishment, she was sure, would be grim. But it would be even worse if she didn’t break out and free her father. If he got to her first, she would be lucky to get out alive. There were several possible ways to escape. She could simply bust out and kill anyone who got in her way, but that would be messy, and there would be a high chance of getting caught. So that was out. She could manipulate the guards into letting her out, but if they figured out what she was doing they would report her to Zuzu and he’d probably cut her tongue or something. So that left only one option. She would play along with this little game, earn their trust, then get the jump on them and escape soundlessly. It certainly wasn’t the best of plans, but with no allies and no resources it was the best she could do. And if Takana could get these horrid hallucinations out of her head well, that was just an added bonus.

Azula smirked. Zuko had no idea the mistake he’d made putting her here, rather than just having the guts to kill her at the Agni Kai. And once she got out, well, leading the Fire Nation would be the least of his worries.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I’m just going to do some... stabbys off Ozai. Any of you want to come along? XD
> 
> Hope you’re all doing well!


	6. Chapter Six

When Takana walked into Azula’s room, she found the princess brushing out her hair and tying it up. Considering Azula hadn’t left her cot much in the last few days, seeing her up was certainly an improvement. Azula had done many,  _ many,  _ things wrong, but Takana lived by the airbender philosophy that no person was past redemption. And it only took one look at her family, a missing mother, and a clearly abusive father to see that Azula was likely a product of her upbringing.

“Give me one good reason I shouldn’t incinerate you where you stand.” Azula’s voice had returned in full force, the sweet, honeyed tones that had obvious undercurrents of malice. It cut through the momentary silence like a knife. “Well, princess, I’m just trusting you not to.” Takana replied, in her usual kind voice. Azula narrowed her eyes. Takana had realized that she did that when she was trying to figure something out, while still trying to appear dangerous. “Considering you’re in a room with an insane monster, I’d say trust is the last thing you should be relying on at the moment.” Azula replied coolly. Stil, Takana picked up some confusion in her eyes.  _ Why does she trust me? _ She was probably thinking. Takana ignored her, and continued “I understand that you enjoy reading?” “I read and analyze literature when it benefits me, yes.” Azula’s tone had turned from cool to calculating. It was a slight shift, nearly imperceptible, but Takana had trained for years. “I brought you a poem I thought you might find interesting. Would you like to hear it?” “I don’t really have a choice, now do I?” Azula said back, rolling her eyes.  _ That would be a yes,  _ Takana knew, smiling mentally. “No matter what gets done, and how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.” She recited. Azula had a faraway look in her eyes, and as she opened her mouth, Takana wasn’t sure if Azula was speaking to her, or someone only she could see. “Yes. Yes it does. Love comes from being strong and perfect.” Takana frowned. “Who’s words are those? Yours? Or Ozai’s?” Azula snapped back into reality. “How dare you question my father?” She asked, beginning to yell. “Get out get out get out  _ get out!” _ Azula’s voice was full of mania now. “Princess I-“ Takana started, but Azula cut her off with a fireball. Takana realized there was no talking to her in this state, so she fled the room, dropping the poem as she went.

Azula screamed, collapsing to the ground crying. Today had been so  _ good. _ She had woken up with enough energy to plan out and go through with her day. But then  _ she  _ come in, with her stupid poem about imperfections being acceptable and Azula’s head had filled with voices. Ozai yelling at her, saying that a monster like her had to be perfect if she wanted any semblance of love. Ursa calmly leaning over and trying to hug her, saying that vulnerability was okay. Zuko with the five-pointed headpiece, laughing, but with a vileness she didn’t know he had the capacity for. They overlapped, getting louder and louder. Azula cried out, clawing at her hair, trying desperately to get them out. Her topknot, which had been impeccable other than her bangs just a few minutes ago was now a mess. Azula just lay there and cried. Eventually, she didn’t know how much later, she began to calm down, counting her breaths until they were steady. She slowly pulled herself into a sitting position on the ground, leaning over to grab her doll off her bed. She absentmindedly stroked the dolls hair, still counting her breaths. 

Suddenly, a piece of paper on the ground caught Azula’s eye, and she picked up. It was the poem Takana had read. Reading over the poem again, Azula felt tears welling in her eyes again. They weren’t the hot, angry, manic tears from earlier though. These were tears of sadness, confusion, and grief. Here, sitting on this scrap of paper, was saying everything she’d ever wanted. Love, real, unconditional love she didn’t need to contort and force herself into a box for. “Weakness.” Ozai snapped from behind her. “Love will make you weak. You’re a monster. I made you into a monster,” he said with a smirk. “You are nothing if you aren’t perfect.” Somehow, though, his words had just a little less bite. Maybe, just maybe, Ozai was wrong? Azula shook her head to clear the thought. How dare she question her father so? The poem, still clutched in her hand, went up in flames. Still, it lingered in the back of her mind.  _ Fear is loyalty and loyalty is love. Right? _

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s a bit short! Regardless I hope you like it. Hope you’re all doing well!


	7. Chapter Seven

When Azula awoke the next day, she felt slightly… better? No, that wasn’t it. But she did feel a little less hopeless. Takanas words echoed through her mind.  _ If you allow yourself to feel, to show emotion, then the feeling, like all things will pass. But if you keep it bottled up, it will all explode in your face.  _ Well, she didn’t remember Takana saying that, but it sounded like her voice. Anyways, there was no way it was correct. Ozais words overtook her mind, overshadowing Takanas.  _ Feelings are vulnerability and vulnerability is weakness.  _ But then the poem from yesterday popped up in her thoughts as well, saying that vulnerability was okay. Azula took a few deep breaths. Princesses adapt to their surroundings. She was just adapting to better survive her environment, nothing to do with emotions or the sort. She walked the few steps over to the desk, the way the court ladies taught her to when she was young. Quietly sitting down on the chair, she began to brush her hair back into her usual topknot. Though she had no mirror, she could feel the unevenness of her bangs against her forehead. They were a bit longer now. She fingered them carefully, feeling the rough edges, estimating how long it would take them to grow back. Several months, she was sure. It was upsetting, for some reason, to have her hair so ugly, to have no control over how quickly they would grow back. She felt the anger building in her chest, and took some more deep breaths to cool it. Anger did no good. It clouded your thoughts and messed with your emotions. She supposed, as a firebender, she should rely on rage, but only idiots like Zuzu relied on anger. Anger was fleeting, it could desert you at any moment. 

Suddenly, a box on her desk caught her eye. It was the box she had requested from Takana. A thin layer of dust was on top. Azula narrowed her eyes at it. Just how long had it been sitting here? She promptly stood up before marching over to the door of the room. She banged on the door. “What is the date?” She asked, in a commanding tone, similar to that she used against the Dai Li. A hesitant voice called back, “N-November 19th, Princess.” Azula let out a silent gasp. She had already been in this place for three months! How could she have lost track of time?  _ Idiot. _ Then she promptly slapped herself across the face. The gesture stung, and tears pricked the back of her eyes, though Azula blinked them away within a second. Realizing the guard had probably heard, she turned on her heels, though the guard couldn’t see her and snapped back, “don’t stutter, and I believe my royal title is ‘Crown Princess’, you’d do well to remember that next time.” Though she obviously could do no harm to him, being locked in a cell and all, his voice still quivered slightly as he replied “of course, my apologies, Crown Princess.” 

Azula stalked back to her desk, pulling the box closer to her as she sat down. Taking a deep breath, she slowly pulled off the lid. Inside sat two simple red lipsticks and a stick of coal for eyeliner. At the bottom, there was a simple cloth bag containing something. Azula pulled out one of the lipsticks and the eyeliner to apply. She left the other one in the box. To the unsuspecting person, they looked identical, but Azula knew that the one in the box was laced with poison. Lethal poison. Azula didn’t know why she kept it. Just to have the option, she supposed. Regardless, she left it in the box for now. Then, almost as an afterthought, she pulled the cloth bag out as well, setting it gently down on the desk. She carefully applied the makeup, hoping it didn’t look too smudged. Then, she pulled open the bag, and extracted the small red hairpiece. It was probably supposed to stay in the treasury or armoury or maybe the throne room when not in use, but Azula kept it here. It's not like Father ever noticed- or cared.  _ No, no, Father does care about me. I’m valuable. I’m a prodigy.  _ Azula shook the thoughts out of her head before they could get worse. She turned the metal over in her hands, running her fingers over the edges, not sharp enough to cut. Azula sighed. She always kept her normal hairpiece nice and sharp. It could be a weapon in a pinch. 

Azula felt the anger in her chest rising again as she stared at the hairpiece.  _ I won! I deserve the crown.  _ She tried to take a deep breath, to calm down, but it got stuck in her throat.  _ How dare they do this to me? I am the rightful heir!  _ Azula threw the piece at the opposite wall, and it embedded into the foam. Panting, she drew up a large fireball in her fist, punching it wildly towards the piece. She missed, and black spots danced across her vision. How could she miss? She had to be the best! If she wasn’t the best, then she was  _ nothing. _ The word reverberated around her mind.  _ Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.  _ She dropped to the floor, everything else forgotten. No. no. nononono. S-she was Azula! Wielder of the blue flame, crown princess of the Fire Nation, lightningbender- A dry laugh sounded from behind her. “You really think you are worth anything?” Ozai’s voice was full of contempt. “You are nothing without me. And you-” Azula turned around to face him, and he pointed his finger squarely in her face “have failed me. I have no children. And you, well, now without me, what are you?” The words left her lips in a whisper. “Nothing.”

Azula didn’t know how long she sat there. She didn’t cry out, or sob. Her makeup and hair remained pristine. She didn’t laugh maniacally and attack people only she could see. She, for the first time in her life, felt completely hollow. She couldn’t be sad, or angry, or happy or  _ anything  _ because Ozai was  _ right.  _ She had failed, and in doing so, became  _ nothing.  _ Because if she wasn’t the top, if she wasn’t the best, then she was nothing. And there wasn’t anything she could do to refute that. There was no one in her corner. Everyone had left. She was, for the first time in her life, completely alone. So she did the only thing that had been there for her, through thick and thin, through pain and suffering. Firebending. She moved fluidly through her katas, the simple beginning moves all the way through the complicated yet graceful jumps and spins she had learned from an ancient scroll leading up to the comet. It was strange, that scroll, the small drawings weren’t bending anything. But why else would a scroll, if not a census or military history be in the library if it wasn’t for firebending? Azula hadn’t cared. She learned the moves like everything else, quickly and proficiently. By the time she was done, though there were no windows in her room, she could feel that the sun had shifted just past its full height, meaning it was likely about an hour or so past noon. Azula felt faint, after all, she had been bending for nearly seven hours without a break. Still, she pushed harder. 

Lighting sparked at her fingertips, but Azula didn’t release it right away. She allowed the lightning inside her to build, and she felt it beginning to resist her grasp, wanting to escape her stomach and flood into her heart. Azula was no fool. She knew the instant it touched her heart she would die. Still, she couldn’t let go of the lightning. It banished the hollowness, however temporarily it was. It wasn’t an emotion, but an indescribable feeling, something inside her buzzing, making her feel powerful. Making her feel in control. Azula felt the lightning just about to boil over. She took a breath, then released it at the wall. It was a single bolt, precise and deadly.  _ Like me,  _ Azula noted mutely. She examined the wall where the bolt had struck. She had to admire the dexterity of the foam. It had been thoroughly blacked by the blast, but had remained. 

She felt the exhaustion creeping through her bones. The bolt had sapped every last bit of strength she had left over after her training session. She tried to push it down, but the black stubbornly continued to creep across her vision. She blindly stumbled over to her cot, collapsing face first onto the stiff surface. She was unconscious. before she was even halfway down.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only Azula could do her hair and makeup without a mirror and still have it look like fire ( pun intended XD )
> 
> Hope you all are doing well!


	8. Chapter Eight

Azula began to settle into her life at the asylum. She wasn’t  _ actually  _ settling in, mind you, she was biding her time until she could escape. The hallucinations slowed down, their words with a little less bite, stinging a little less each time. The nightmares, though, didn’t slow down at all. In fact, they seemed to get worse. Everyday, as the sun rose and Azula with it, she would reach up and find her face coated in tears, and her pillow as well. The hollowness had settled a large pit into her core, making her feel as if there was a hole going straight through her. Still, she had her bending, her life, and a shot at the throne. In her current predicament, that was about as good as it could get. She kept a careful record of the date, it had been nearly a month since Ozai had disowned her.  _ Not like I need him,  _ she thought. _ I succeeded in Ba Sing Se where all others failed.  _ Azula pushed the thoughts away. She needed to focus on the present and foreseeable future, not the past. Speaking of the foreseeable future, her birthday was coming up, on December 22nd. Her birthday was an odd thing, considering that firebenders were typically supposed to be born during the summer. Regardless, it didn’t matter because she could firebend. Birthdays at the palace were a large affair, a large banquet would be held in her honor and she would be expected to demonstrate her firebending whilst Li and Lo scoped the crowd for potential suitors. And not to mention the gifts! Azula understood the necessity of living minimalistically, of course, and of course she had done so during her quest against the Avatar, but it was certainly nice to have the comfort of material things.  _ Especially when everyone leaves you.  _ Azula pushed that thought away too. She thought of things she had received on previous birthdays. From potential suitors, of course. Ozai always used birthdays to criticize everything she had done wrong that year, everything she could and should have done better.  _ He was trying to make me better! He used me as an ego boost. He was pushing me deeper into his control. No, he was letting me know what to improve so I could be a more formidable opponent.  _ The voices warred in her head. One sounded like her on the day of the comet, while the other sounded like her casually talking to her handmaidens. Azula shot a quick burst of fire at the wall in her usual fashion, two fingers for precision and accuracy. She didn’t even turn her head, but she could hear the shot hit the hairpiece, which had remained firmly lodged in the wall. Azula hadn’t ever made an effort to take it out. The first time Takana had seen it, she had glanced at it and looked quizzically at Azula, but the death glare she had received had kept her from saying anything. She hadn’t mentioned it after that. Azula shot another blast to quiet the thoughts, and brought her mind back to some of the gifts she had received. There were the usual fine garments made of soft silk thread, daggers and swords encrusted with rubies and handles of gold. Also a ton of Pai Sho boards. Azula was quite good at the game, considering it consisted of out-strategizing and psyching out your opponent. Her favorite gift, though, had to be a beautiful golden hair stick with a hidden knife. She didn’t remember who had given it to her, though she was fairly certain it was General Himari. It was in the armory, currently.

Hearing the door creak open, she snapped into a fighting stance. Though no one had come to visit her, she was still wary of the fact that the Avatar could take her bending. She could never let that happen. Seeing that it was only Takana, however, she shifted back into a standing position before reseating herself at her desk. She had just wrapped up trimming her bangs, though she wasn’t allowed scissors or a mirror, she could use her firebending to burn off the ends until they seemed about uniform. Though the ends were quite frayed, they now reached past her cheekbone, right near the center of her cheek. “Good day, Princess, how have you been?” Takana asked sweetly. Azula simply rolled her eyes. “I’m a prisoner in my own country. How do you think I am?” Their interactions always started like this. A well-meaning question followed by a quick and snippy answer. Then, Takana would launch into whatever speech she had about the “power of love and friends”, and “It’s okay to not be okay”, and of course the “emotions and vulnerability will make you stronger”, and Azula would tune her out and start thinking about more firebending moves. She had been thinking about how to fend off the Avatar and his little group, though Azula was no idiot, she knew she couldn’t take on the Avatar and leave with her bending. She had come up with a few things based off that stupid waterbender, since, after all, she did fight well against Azula in the catacombs in Ba Sing Se, give credit where credit is due. They were mostly more fluid motions, and gathering the fire in her arms before launching it proved to be a powerful tactic, but Azula was most proud of her most recent move. Remembering how the girl had surrounded her arms in water to form almost tentacle-like arms, she began gathering the fire around her arms in a similar fashion. It had been extremely difficult at first, because fire is wild and powerful, and at times it threatened to overwhelm her and burn her arms to a crisp, but Azula always managed to wrangle it back under control. Now she had a new bending technique and her arms remained burn-free. 

She was thinking of another move the water peasant had used in the catacombs, a ball of water surrounding her. If Azula could adapt that to her firebending, and, of course, she could, it would be both a powerful defense and offence. She had begun formulating the basis for it in her head when Takana snapped her out of her thoughts by pulling out a small, yet clearly fine, high-quality journal, along with a brush and an inkpot. Azula narrowed her eyes at the objects, and Takana smiled as she explained, “Sometime, writing out your thoughts can really help.” Azula shut that idea out of her mind immediately. If someone was able to get their hands on that journal, and see even a glimpse of the inner workings of her mind, they could take her down easily. Takana seemed to sense this, and quickly added, “and of course, since such thoughts are private, you can rip out the paper and burn it immediately afterwards. Burning away the negative feelings.” Azula just looked at her. “Well, if that's all, it's about time for me to be going. I’ll see you tomorrow, princess!” As Takana stood to leave, years of etiquette training in Azula kicked in. “Many thanks for the kind offering”, she said, bowing at a very slight incline, in a typical Fire Nation fashion, her hands arranged just so. Takana didn’t seem surprised, and bowed back, though much lower, respecting Azula’s status. “It is an honor to be in your presence.” Takana lifted her head then exited the room without another word. 

Azula sat down at her desk, inspecting the journal, brush and ink. They didn’t seem to have been tampered with, and were likely safe to use. She didn’t give a second thought to thanking Takana for the journal. As a royal, she had a certain image she was expected to maintain, and part of that was thanking people for accepted gifts. She cracked open the journal, dipped the brush in the ink, and began to write. She didn’t realize what she was writing until she was done.  _ Father left. Father left. Father left. Father left.  _ Over and over until it filled the page. That was it. He was really gone. He had left. He had left her. He had left  _ her.  _ But was he ever really there? Did he see her as a daughter? No, he saw her as a soldier, an ego boost, as a sex object, as something expenable. A thousand thoughts rushed through her head but they all said the same thing.  _ He’s gone.  _ It hurt, but at the same time, it felt like a small weight off her shoulder. Azula brushed it off as changing her posture, but she knew it wasn’t. The whispering in the back of her mind, to kill everyone, to burn everything to the ground, the whisper that sounded suspiciously like Ozai, it didn’t leave, the hollowness, it didn’t leave, the fear, not fear, princess don’t get scared, but a liar can spot a lie, no matter how hard she tried to tell herself it is the truth, the fear to look in the mirror and not see herself but her mother, it was  _ still there.  _ But maybe, maybe for now, that was  _ okay.  _ Azula never settled for less than perfect but maybe, maybe, maybe just this once she could. 

Azula tore the paper out of the journal and set it alight. It was ash within seconds. As it crumbled to the floor like a gentle flurry of snow, the doll, her doll, lying haphazardly on her cot caught her eye. It was stupid, she knew, it was in inanimant object. But Azula swore, though if anyone suggested it, she would incinerate them on the spot, that the doll was smiling. Smoke danced through the air. Azula had never really noticed smoke before, she was a firebender, the smell of smoke was just as common as grass, but this time it smelled a little lighter, a little sweeter. A little more like hope.

From outside the door, Takana smiled. Azula, though pale as a ghost from not having been in the sun for months, though snippy and unkind, though suffering nightmares and hallucinations, even though she pushed herself to the point of unconsciousness daily, had improved so much in the last three months. The sky was finally brightening up. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo, lots of change in this chapter! I figure, with the whole thing of "when we hit our lowest point we are open to the greatest change", Azula's lowest point would probably be losing her father, since she idolizes him, and he's really the only person she has left. Hence, the change :)
> 
> Hope you all are doing well!


End file.
